We all vowed to remember it forever...

We all vowed to remember it forever… Or at least that’s what we said. What we meant. What everyone always means when they say it, but we don’t know our future – don’t know if something bigger will block out the memory. Like the birth of 18 children. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

It’s a surprising fact, but both of my children are engaged. They’ve each picked out their future wives, and they’ve already popped the question. Sebi even asked Emily’s parents, which is quite precocious for a 5-year-old. They’ve decided that they will be getting married at 16, which is clearly the age of great maturity and life-readiness, and they will plan the wedding until then. Obviously the ceremony is going to rock. 10 years of planning better mean that.

Now, being the kind of mother I am, I want to ensure that they will live near me in my old age. Who knows – I could be frail and need help, I might be looking for a drinking buddy, perhaps just bored. But, it sounds like a nice idea, right? Being surrounded by family in your old age. Of course, I’m saying this before they hit the teen years – who knows what my thoughts will be then. If they turn into assholes, maybe I’ll become forgetful in my old age.

So, one day, I ask them, “are you going to live with mommy forever?” Ethan calls it leading the witness, I called it being direct. Liam, responds first.

“Of course I am, I’m going to have 16 children and I’m going to need someone to watch them.”

“16? Wow, that’s quite a lot.”

“Yeah, Annabelle and I decided that was the right number. She wanted 2 and I wanted 100, but since 16 is my favorite number, we thought that was good – and it’s almost right in the middle.”

Note to self: teach this kid some math.

“Anyway, we’ve already named them. The first is my choice, of course, Fluffy – but Annabelle loved it, so we decided I should get to name 15 and she can name her favorite one.”

Oy, another note to self: teach this kid some manners

“Maybe you should think about it.”

“No, we already talked about it last week, and anyway, that’s why we’re going to live with you. So you can watch them and we can have fun.”

“Who’s going to work?”

“No-one, I’m going to be a famous artist and we’re going to live with you. Maybe Daddy will work if we need money.”

Totally what we signed up for, servitude to our children for the rest of our lives.

“Hmm, we might need a bigger house.”

“Yeah, you should probably buy one… Actually, since I’m also going to be an architect, I will design it. It’ll actually be two houses and there will be an underground tunnel that connects the two houses.”

“NOooooooo!!!!!” Sebi screams. “There have to be two tunnels. I need a housel too!”

“Oh,” I say, “what’s your plan?”

“Emily and I are going to live with you as well. Emily only wanted one baby, but I told her we should have two. Which is good b/c I’m already growing them.”

Third note to self: tell Ethan to teach Sebi about the birds and the bees.

“Well two babies sound manageable. What do you mean you’re growing them?”

“Daddy told me what these things hanging behind my penis are for. They’re for growing babies. I think I’m growing the heads right now.”

And yet, another note to self: Scratch the Ethan plan, going to have to teach them about the birds and the bees myself.

“Hmm, I’m not sure that’s right.”

“It is, and I’ve already named them. The one on the left is Starfish Sock, and the other one is Rainbow Flower.”

“Wow, great names, you’ll need to write those down. Maybe run them by Emily…”

“She knows, we each got to pick one.”

“Great,” I say, hoping they’ve forgotten the ridiculous assertion I just made them swear to.

“So, we’re going to live with you forever as well, in the third house. Now, we just need to build them.”

Fuck, they remember.

“Okay, so we’re going to have three houses next to each other, and 18 children between them. Am I supposed to watch all of them?”

At this point Liam jumps back in. There’s been a lot of talking without him, and he considers himself the planner.

“Yes, there will be 3 houses. I’m going to draw it and Sebi’s going to build it. And you’re going to be the babysitter.”

“Do I get any days off?”

“Fridays”

“Great.”

“And we made a promise, and you can’t break promises, so now your dream will come true.”

And then, we all vowed to remember it forever.