Game Time Prayers

SCENE I:

It is the night of the Final Four games.  The game is tied and it is half time.  The teams have gone to their respective locker rooms for team meetings.  On the left side of the stage we see Team A huddled together.  The coach is speaking.  Some athletes have their head lowered in prayer.  On the right side we see a receptionist sitting behind a desk.
  
Coach A: Men, we are in the midst of a defining moment of your lives.  Not my life.  I won my college championship.  Your life.  Collectively you have 20 minutes to change your lives.  Let’s strategize. 
  
Athlete (whispering):  Dear God… 
  
Receptionist:  Hi, this is God’s answering service. 
  
Athlete: Is God there?  I have an urgent request. 
  
Receptionist: He’s on the other line.  Can I put you on hold? 
  
Athlete:  I can only hold for a second. 
  
Receptionist presses a button and exits stage right to look for God. 
  
Recorded voice: Due to a high number of calls, your estimated wait time may be longer than usual. 
  
Athlete: Fuck.
  
Spotlight moves to another athlete, who crosses himself. 
  
Athlete 2: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit… 
  
Receptionist 2: Yes, hello.  Who is it you’re looking for? 
  
Athlete 2: Any of them will do. 
  
Receptionist 2: It’s a busy time, can you choose one? 
  
Athlete 2: How about the father? 
  
Receptionist 2: He just picked up his line, either of the others? 
  
Athlete 2: Sure, let’s try the son. 
  
Jesus: Hey there Joe, what’s up? 
  
Athlete 2 (Joe): Hey man, I just wanted to ask a favor.  My new girlfriend is here and she said I’m going to get lucky if we win, so I was hoping.. 
  
Jesus:  You want me to throw the game for you? 
  
Joe: Or maybe just give me really good hand-eye coordination for a few minutes near the end? 
  
Jesus: And make you a little faster? 
  
Joe: If you think I need that… 
  
Jesus: I’ll try my best, but I have a lot of requests tonight and there’s not much time left.  Next season, I suggest you practice more.  
  
The spotlight moves to yet another athlete. 
  
Athlete 3: God… 
  
Receptionist: Please hold
  
Recorded voice: Due to a high number of calls, your estimated wait time may be longer than usual. 
  
Athlete 3: How long? 
  
Recorded voice: Due to a high number of calls, your estimated wait time may be longer than usual. 
  
Athlete 3: Next year I need to be on God’s good side… 
  
The spotlight shifts back to Coach A. 
  
Coach A: Alright men, bow your heads in prayer.  Cory – that means you too. 
  
Cory looks down angrily (muttering): I don’t need divine intervention. 
  
Coach A: I’m glad one of us feels that way. 
  
The coach holds out his arms and the men huddle in a group prayer. 
  
Coach A: Dear God
  
Receptionist: Oh hey Coach A, God just jumped on the line with Coach B. 
  
Coach A:  Fuck, he beat me to it? 
  
Receptionist: ‘Fraid so.  I’m sure he’ll be done in a minute. 
  
Coach A checks his watch: I don’t have a minute. 
  
Receptionist: Want me to take a message? 
  
Coach A: An audible sigh.  No, I’ll wait. 
    
Receptionist: I’ll go and see if I can speed him up. 
  
The receptionist walks offstage, exiting from stage right.  From offstage, we hear a conversation. 
  
Receptionist: Hey God, Coach A is very anxious to talk to you. 
  
God (booming voice): Aren’t they all?  Most of the year they forget who I am.  Today, I don’t even get a 5-minute break to pee. 
  
Receptionist: What do you want me to tell him? 
  
God: Tell him to hold on for a goddamn minute.  Jesus! 
  
Jesus’s voice, as if from another room: Yes, father? 
  
God: Sorry son, just taking your name in vain. 
  
The receptionist walks back to her desk.  She presses a button on the phone and lifts the receiver.
  
Receptionist: God will be with you in a moment.  He asked that you hold. 
  
Coach A: Well, we need all the help we can get.  We’ll be here when he’s ready. 
  
Receptionist (calls to the side): Okay God, they’re on line 2.  And when you’re done with him, lines 3 – 8 are also beeping…  I guess the fans are starting to call in. 
  
God: Good God, I need a vacation… 

SCENE II:
  
Stage Goes Dark.  Cut to player talking to reporter. The game is over and Team B won with a three pointer at the last second.

Reporter:  So, how did you feel when you sunk that Hail Mary shot?

Player: Well, before I get to that, I want to thank God, my lord and savior.  Without him none of this would have been possible.

From offstage

God: You got that right.  At least he thanked me.  Really pisses me off when they take all the credit.  And who named that shot.  I bet Mary wasn’t even watching the game.